When Women Have to Pretend to Be Men to Be Seen ... We All Pay the Price

When Being Seen Means Being Someone Else

There’s a story unfolding on LinkedIn right now that deserves our attention. To be blunt, it’s a trend that is deeply disturbing and illuminates the inept structure of our current systems.

Women are quietly changing their gender on their LinkedIn profile and marking themselves “male” on the platform … and, then watching their content reach expand by 300–400% almost overnight, as a result.

When I first saw a post documenting this, I felt something shift in my chest. Not shock, exactly. Something closer to recognition. A familiar ache.

Because we’ve been here before, haven’t we? For far too long, I might add.

We’ve watched brilliant women adjust their tone in meetings.

We’ve seen them soften their expertise, caveat their insights, apologize for taking up space.

We’ve witnessed the careful calibration required just to be heard, taken seriously, and be respected … the constant internal calculation of “ how much is too much? and “ how much do I need to dial it down?”

And now we’re watching it continue to happen again and again, encoded into the algorithms that increasingly shape whose voice matters, whose ideas spread, and whose leadership gets recognized.

The technology behind the scenes that dictate who gets seen.

This isn’t just a platform quirk. It’s a powerful mirror .

The Weight of Invisible Labor

Here’s what breaks my heart most about this trend: these women aren’t changing their gender because they lack confidence in their voice.

They’re doing it because they’re exhausted from the effort it takes to be seen while being themselves.

Think about what that means.

These are women who have already done their work: built expertise, developed perspective, cultivated something valuable to share. They’ve shown up consistently, crafted thoughtful content, and contributed meaningfully to conversations in their fields.

And still, the system whispers: Not quite enough. Not quite right. Not you.

So they make a small, symbolic change. They check a different box. And, suddenly, the floodgates open.

The same words. The same ideas. The same person.

But now, apparently, worth listening to … all because they had to mask and armor up and “become” something else entirely.

What the Algorithm Is Learning

Here’s where this gets more complex, and more urgent.

Every time a woman responds to bias by masking her identity, the algorithm learns that male-identified content is more valuable.

Every time a woman dims her authentic voice to fit what the system rewards, that pattern gets reinforced … at scale, across millions of interactions and in how we build the future.

We’re not just navigating bias. We’re teaching AI systems to perpetuate it.

And, these aren’t abstract systems we’re talking about.

These are the platforms shaping professional visibility, opportunity, and influence for the next generation.

They are purposefully feeding the inherent power structure and creating reinforcement around imbalanced masculine energy.

What they learn now becomes the default tomorrow.

The women making this choice are NOT the problem.

They’re simply responding rationally to a system that has failed them, and continues to do so. The worst part is that the collective impact, the cultural cost … extends far beyond any individual decision.

I know this may be shocking to some, affects us ALL.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Let’s be honest about the conditioning underneath all of this.

For generations, we’ve (especially women and marginalized communities) absorbed certain messages about what “credible” looks like, what “strategic” sounds like, what “leadership” means.

Overwhelmingly, those models have been profoundly masculine-coded.

Directness. Authority. Executive presence.

Confidence without qualification.

Meanwhile, the qualities that women often bring naturally (e.g., relational awareness, collaborative thinking, emotional intelligence, nuanced understanding) get labeled as “soft skills.”

As though seeing systems relationally is somehow less rigorous than seeing them hierarchically. As though understanding the human dimension of leadership is auxiliary rather than essential.

In fact, more and more research proves that it’s actually the opposite.

These “soft skills” (which don’t even get me started on this misfire …) are the very skills that create a strong, or weak, core for a culture, team, and organization. They are the fundamental skill sets required to lead effectively in rapidly changing landscapes and markets.

For the people skills are the ones that make or break good leaders.

We’ve learned, often without anyone saying it directly, that our full expression might be “too much” … too emotional, too complex, too passionate, too intuitive, too personal.

Or paradoxically (whichever serves to hold the “power over” energy and play), “not enough” … not assertive enough, not aggressive enough, not “executive presence” enough.

Until we are. The minute women rise in their voice, they are immediately told to “dial it down” and to “not be so loud”. Anyway you slice it, a losing situation and one that reeks of fear, insecurity, and control.

Here’s what survival mode does: it teaches us to contort.

To split ourselves into the fragmented parts that are deemed acceptable with the parts we keep hidden to protect ourselves. To translate our natural way of thinking into language that sounds more like what’s already valued.

When women mask who they are to be heard, something fractures internally … actually, everything does.

There’s a disconnection that happens when your authentic voice and your public voice diverge too far. When the version of you that gets rewarded feels fundamentally different from who you actually are.

The impact is extends far beyond the woman playing small.

It’s exhausting. It’s isolating.

And it makes leadership feel like performance rather than expression.

Beyond the personal toll, there’s a collective cost too.

Every time a woman hides her distinctive perspective to fit what’s already valued, we all lose access to the different way she sees problems, the unique connections she draws, the alternative approaches she might offer.

We lose her brilliance, her fire, and her leadership.

We don’t need more women learning to sound like the leaders we already have. We need a massive paradigm shift and the full spectrum of leadership activated … all the different ways humans make sense of complexity, build culture, and create change.

What It Actually Takes to Shift This

I want to be clear: I’m not suggesting women should simply “lean in harder” or “be more confident.” When all that really is … more gaslighting.

That framing places all the responsibility on individuals to overcome systemic barriers, systems that were never designed for them, which is neither fair nor effective. Real change requires action at multiple levels.

For women navigating these systems: Your voice, your perspective, and your way of leading aren’t flaws to correct. They’re precisely what’s needed.

The discomfort you feel in spaces that weren’t designed for you isn’t a sign you don’t belong … it’s data that the space itself needs to evolve and drastically change.

You’re not here to convince systems of your value by becoming someone else. You’re here to bring what only you can bring, and in doing so, help reshape what leadership looks like.

For men who want to be part of the solution: Visibility is relational. Your engagement matters. Citing women’s work, amplifying women’s voices, and bringing women into conversations they belong in … these aren’t performative gestures.

They’re how networks of influence actually work, and they’re how change happens. And, to be perfectly honest, you have a responsibility to help dismantle these systems and structures versus turning a blind eye and continuing to reap rewards from your privilege.

You cannot be a champion or ally for women (or any other marginalized community) unless you are willing to use your own voice (dollars and energy) to create real change.

There is absolutely NO passive seat in this equation. It’s a “all hands on deck” call to action.

Stop treating women’s perspectives as “niche” or “the women’s issue perspective.” These are insights that strengthen decision-making and leadership for everyone.

For leaders building cultures: Relational intelligence, emotional literacy, collaborative capacity … these aren’t peripheral nice-to-haves. They’re core business capabilities that directly impact innovation, retention, and organizational resilience.

If your culture only rewards one narrow band of leadership style, you’re not creating excellence. You’re creating conformity. And in a complex world, conformity is a liability.

Every post we write, every comment we leave, every voice we amplify or ignore … we’re feeding data into systems that are learning what to value.

AI isn’t just reflecting the world as it is. It’s encoding patterns that will shape the world as it becomes.

So what do we want those systems to learn?

Do we want them to learn that women’s voices truly matter … but, only when filtered and masked through masculine norms?

Or, do we want them to learn that leadership shows up in many forms, that credibility sounds like many things, that valuable perspective comes from diverse ways of seeing?

Not through any single action, but through the accumulated pattern of how we show up.

If you’re a woman who’s been trying to fit into frameworks that weren’t designed for you, who’s been translating yourself, constraining yourself, performing a version of leadership that doesn’t quite feel like yours … I want you to know something:

The exhaustion you feel isn’t a personal failing. It’s a rational response to operating inside systems that require constant self-editing … and, never were designed to give you a voice.

Tthere’s another path …

One where you understand how your specific wiring works … not to fix it, but to leverage it. Where you lead from alignment rather than adaptation.

Where your natural way of seeing, connecting, and creating becomes your greatest strategic advantage.

This is the work I do with leader: helping them move from masking (and armor) to clarity, from survival mode to sustainable power, from performing leadership to embodying it.

Because the world doesn’t need more prescriptive and trite leaders who’ve mastered the art of seeming credible and creating “executive presence” while hiding who they really are.

The world needs leaders who are fully, courageously, unapologetically themselves.

And when women lead from that place, not despite their distinctive perspective but because of it … EVERYTHING shifts.

The cultures they build. The decisions they make. The teams they develop. The futures they create. And, the legacies they leave.

That’s not just good for women. That’s good for everyone.

That’s how we re-code the systems. That’s how we reshape what gets valued. That’s how we train the algorithms, and the cultures, to recognize that radically, aligned leadership shows up in infinite forms … and, creates meaningful and sustainable impact.

It starts with each of us deciding: no more masking. No more contorting. Just truth. Just presence. Just the full weight of who we actually are.

That’s the leadership revolution underway.

And, this moment is calling for nothing less.

If you’re ready to lead without the armor, to understand your unique wiring and turn it into strategic power … let’s talk.

This is exactly the work Leadership by Design was created for.

Candy Barone is a highly sought-after, strategic, transformational advisor for high-impact founders and leaders who want to build trust-rich teams and conscious cultures that actually sustain growth. She is also the creator of the Leadership by Design™ ecosystem, the Relational Positioning System (RPS)™, and Culture COMPASS™.

Candy blends Human Design, relational intelligence, and 30+ years of executive leadership expertise to help teams communicate clearly, reduce tension and conflict, and build cultures that last. She guides leaders to understand their innate wiring, dissolve friction at the root, and co-create environments where people feel seen, safe, and supported.

If you know your business is only as strong as your relationships, and you’re ready to build a culture that reflects that truth, she can guide the way. When you’re ready to revolutionize how your people lead and live, she’s your next call.

Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.